I DIDN’T GIVE UP!

A dear friend was the first person I heard use the term, “God stories”. I love hearing those stories! I love the reminders of God’s presence.

God Stories: those things that occur unexpectedly and you know only God could have done that; those times you barely missed being in an accident because you were running late. Did you remember to thank God?

God stories: those “coincidences” that were not coincidences at all, but the hand of God reaching out to pull you in.; something is lost and suddenly reappears because God put in your ear where to look.

It would be a safe bet to say most of you have experienced a God Story. Maybe you didn’t recognize it as a gift, maybe not even know what it was. Christians are aware of these God Stories and know that each one reaffirms us that “God is great, y’all!

Let me set the scene for the first God story I’m going to share. There was a little shop that was the separating point for Kavanaugh and Markham. Parking was at the rear of the store in a lot that slanted down toward Markham. Across the street from the parking lot was a gas station with a row of fuel pumps out front. At any given time of day Markham was heavy with speeding traffic.

I had an older Blazer model vehicle that would occasionally stick in gear or pop out of gear. My first two children were small enough to still be in car seats, and we had gone to that store. When we were ready to leave, I strapped them in the back seats and started to climb in the drivers seat. Before I could climb in the drivers seat, the gear popped out and the vehicle started rolling at a fast rate, down the sloped drive, across Markham, toward the gas pumps. I grasped the steering wheel while still outside the vehicle, and with my 4’11” frame, I braced my feet and was able to stop the vehicle with just my hands and feet just a few feet before it would have slammed into those pumps. During all this, not one vehicle traveled Markham. I knew that only God could have given me the super human strength to have stopped that vehicle!

Right after my first chid was born, I had a God story. We had just come home from the hospital. Both baby and I were asleep. I woke up and went into the bathroom to get ready to bath my daughter. I passed out. I woke up because my little terrier was licking my face. I tried to stand, but passed out again. I woke up again with my dog licking my face. As I’m coming to and getting up, my aunt and uncle came in to see the baby. Immediately upon entering the house, they smelled gas. They ran to the bedroom, grabbed up the baby and threw open the window. The house was an older one where the furnace was in the wall. We discovered there was a gas leak. The fumes had made it to the bathroom, thus causing me to pass out. If my dog had not revived me, and if my family hadn’t come at that moment, we probably would have died.

Not all God stories are huge. Some are small, but you still know it was God. I had misplaced my car keys. I literally had looked everywhere I could think of, but could not find them anywhere. The battery was dead in my spare key fob. I had resolved it in my mind that I would need my mom to take me the next day to get another car key plus the other keys that were with that set. As I was coming back into the house, I asked God one more time to show me where to look. This was in the fall and leaves had formed a pile in the corner at the bottom of the stairs. As I walked past the pile, I looked down and noticed just a tiny speck of silver. I raked back some leaves and there were my keys. Yes, a God story!

My Mom had bought me a pair of diamond earrings for my birthday. They were originally quite expensive, but we had gotten an incredible deal on them. One Sunday morning after arriving at church, I noticed one of the earrings missing. When I got home, I searched my car thoroughly. I had stopped at a donut shop before church, so I went back there and searched the parking lot. I searched the house, especially the bathroom floor by the shower. I literally got on my hands and knees and searched the bathroom floor inch by inch. I went to bed praying I would somehow find that earring because I knew we couldn’t afford to replace them. I got up the next morning, took a shower, and as I was getting out of the tub, I looked down and there was my earring, right where I had searched for it the night before. God story!

There are other stories I could probably tell, but I think you can get the idea. God is everywhere! He answers even the small, seemingly insignificant prayers. Remember to say “thank you”. What’s your God story?

Many years ago I read a book that ended horribly. I don’t mean it was that the good guy didn’t win, or lovers weren’t reunited. The ending was so horrible that I am still haunted by it. I think I was somewhat traumatized by it, and I still remember it to this day. I don’t remember the title of the book or even the whole content. But, I remember that ending.

That experience with the book with the bad ending led me to develop the habit of reading the last page of any book to make sure the ending wouldn’t leave me traumatized. I kept this up for several years. With the introduction of online books, I don’t do this so much anymore.

I felt compelled to write this page for my blog in the midst of all that is happening in the world. This madness is not coincidence. All this was warned about many, many years ago. God knew what we would become, so He had an ending all ready planned. He knew our privilege of free will would be abused and would turn ugly. He is calling us to turn away from the wickedness and come back to Him.

I know every generation has felt the end of the world was near. All the bad was a sign of end times. The truth is, none of us know when this world will end. So, those of us who believe in life everlasting with Jesus, continue to read the Bible, try to practice the principles taught, and wait for the second coming of Christ!

The Bible IS the greatest book ever written. A novel, so to speak, packed with all the tributes of a best seller. There is the beautiful beginning, the book of Genesis. In the Bible Handbook, What the Bible Is All About, by Dr. Henrietta C. Mears, Genesis is referred to as “the book of beginnings”. There is “the beginning of the word, the beginning of the human race, the beginning of sin” and other beginnings. The following chapters , or books, tell of happy times, trials and tribulations, death, life and resurrection, consequences of sin, and joys of obedience. There are villains and heros, damsels in distress, broken lives and hearts. But; there is love, hope and forgiveness. Just like any novel, there are some chapters more intriguing than others. Then there is the last book, Revelation, one of the most intriguing.

Revelation packs a whole lot of punch! No sugar coating, no hidden truths. To quote Dr. Mears, “ this last book of the Bible identifies itself as the revelation of Jesus Christ, and is the only book of prophecy in the New Testament”. It’s filled with drama and eternal victory over Satan. If you have any doubts about what is going to be, or why things are the way they are now, I encourage you to read this powerful book. Like a lot of the books in the Bible, parts may be hard to understand. I mean, look how long ago it was written! I suggest an application study Bible with footnotes that put the verses in a simpler prospective.

I did read the ending of the Bible before studying it. And, spoiler alert, God wins! Knowing that, wouldn’t it make sense to want to be on the winning team? Here’s some analogies. Say you are going to the horse races and somehow you are able to see how the race ends. You know which horse you need to bet on but you like another horse better, so you put all your paycheck on the other horse. That horse loses, the one in your vision wins, and now you can’t pay your bills. You know which team wins the Super Bowl, but you don’t like that team so you put your savings on the opposing team, and it loses. Now you are broke. Both instances, you had known how the story ended, but you made the wrong choice and now it’s too late. Don’t let this choice be too late!

Revelation can be scary. A horror story for the non-believer. But for the followers of Jesus, it’s a story of promise and hope, a reason to not give up!

” I’m not sure we can save either of them, but if we can save just one, you may have to make the decision as to which one we save”. I can only imagine the agony my husband felt when faced with the possibility of having to make that decision. We were a young married couple just barely beginning our journey. We had been together since we were 16 and 17. We had a 9 month old daughter to consider. We were having a son. How could he even begin to think about letting one of us go. Thankfully God saved him from that agony because He saved us both!

With all the uncertainty of that day, what I do know is our world changed that day, and a school of a different kind was about to begin.

It was October 9, 1977, early Sunday morning. Two days before that, I had been involved in an auto accident, hit from behind, causing my very protruding belly to press into the steering wheel as my car was pushed into the front porch railing of the house across the street. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. The memories of how close I came to bleeding to death, and losing my baby will always be with me. It is one of the memories I can still see in my mind as clear as that day.

A kind man took me home instead of just calling Gary so he could see I was okay. Our first course of action was to call the doctor to report what had happened. “It takes a freak accident to hurt an unborn child. Take some Tylenol, lay down and see how you feel in the morning”. I’ll never forget those words. I was raised to listen to your doctor, so I did as he said. The next day we had Lamaze class, I could feel the baby moving, so I figured I was okay until my regularly scheduled doctor appointment on Monday. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I had wet myself. When I started to stand up, I realized I was laying in a pool of blood. I had never seen that much blood, and this was my blood, and it wasn’t stopping!

Although I can never forget the important details of that day, the trip to the hospital is pretty much a blur. I remember after arriving there how the fight began to save two lives. I remember the nurses had to keep changing my bed as it became soaked in blood almost as soon as they changed it. I remember it took two doctors to do what I learned later was a double C-Section because I wasn’t far enough along for the baby to have dropped into position so they had to go in and literally pull him down and out. I remember waking up in the recovery room and asking the attending nurse if I could see my son. I remember her telling me that he wasn’t likely to survive so it probably wasn’t a good idea. I remember disagreeing and his pediatrician agreeing with me and taking me down to the NICU. I remember this tiny little human laying in that incubator with tubes coming out of his body from what seemed like everywhere. The constant hum and beeps of the machines keeping him alive rang loudly in my ears and in my heart. I know I fell instantly in love. In that moment I realized I wasn’t giving up on him. The doctors told us it would take 4 days to know of his chances to survive, but I didn’t need 4 days. He was going to live, and I didn’t give up! God had this!

CONTINUE FOLLOWING FOR PART II

Valentine’s Day, 2020. Five years without my valentine. The first of those five, I had my valentine, but he lay in CCU fighting for his life. I lost him 6 days later, so I didn’t really have him that Valentine’s Day.

The first few Valentine’s Days were sad and lonely. I knew there would be no more “I love you, Babe”, or dinner out, a bouquet of flowers, or a box of candy. I would just have memories of days past. My heart was broken and I knew there was a piece that would never be there. It was like a puzzle with a missing piece that you never find. You accept that piece is gone forever. You could probably fashion a piece out of something and make it somewhat fit, but it will never fit just right. You suffer through the commercials and ads reminding you to remember your sweetie with one gift or another. You just wish you could be with your love, no other gift needed.

Shortly after Gary passed away, I attended a Grief Share course. I met some wonderful ladies who have become good friends. We were in different stages of grief, so we were able to help each other through the stages one of us may have already been through. The kindred spirit of widowhood helped with the fears, anger, confusion, sense of loss, loneliness, and frustration. We get together for lunch or dinner, and check on each other. We’ve made it a tradition now to get together on Valentine’s Day and treat ourselves. We are getting to the place where we are able to share stories of when we had our other halves and smile or laugh. The missing our husbands has not disappeared. We are just learning to get through it as best we can. I can now think of Valentine’s past without sadness. I am thankful for the 43 years of shared Valentine’s.

Do I still miss Gary? Absolutely! I always will, just as I will always love him. Gary was a good man, and I was blessed he chose me. I know if he were here, I would still be his Valentine, and that makes me smile.

Photo by Alexander Hipp on Unsplash

I don’t remember thinking too much about whether I really believed in signs from Caterpillars, Butterflies, and Cardinals, Oh My! love ones until my husband passed away. Now, I am a believer that these signs really exist.

The first sign I had was so vivid I could swear Gary was really there. During his month long hospital stay and the fight for his life, I refused to accept he may not come home. I refused to give up on him. But, the day did come when the doctor told me his fight was over, his organs were shutting down and I needed to be prepared to let him go. I went through the motions, sitting by him, holding onto him, watching as he took his last breath. Even as I watched his heart stop, I don’t think I really grasped what had happened. My mind went into “gotta take care of things” mode. Right before his last breath, I told Gary I didn’t know what to do. I think he heard and took over. I was haunted by the fact that Gary would think I had given up on him. I had never given up on anything, but I felt I had let him down.

A few days after the funeral, I had that vivid dream. Gary was sitting in his chair at home, and I was sitting in his lap. I was telling him that I didn’t give up on him. In a voice so clear, I know he was in the room, Gary said, ” I know you didn’t give up and that is why I’m her to tell you I know and it’s okay”. To try to describe the peace I felt would be near impossible. Those were words I needed to hear!

It was a bit of time before I could bring myself to sleep in our bed. The first night I did, I heard Gary’s voice so plain I jumped up. He said, “Did you set the alarm?”.

We had a Pomeranian, Coco, for several years. She and Gary had this game where he would be sitting at the kitchen table, she would be on the sofa by me. Gary would make a face, she would do that dog head tilt, and low growl at him. After Gary passed, Coco grieved and developed separation anxiety. One night, she was sitting close to me on the sofa when she jerked her head up. She was staring at the kitchen chair that Gary sat in, did the dog head tilt and low growled. I knew she had seen Gary. Not long after, Coco and our other dog, a Corgi named Bella, passed away a week apart.

I have always loved butterflies. I had not seen one in quite awhile. Mom and I had gone to a store, and coming out, I looked down to where a butterfly had landed in my path. Another sign to me.

Gary was a plumber, so I never had to worry about plumbing issues. I have had more plumbing problems since he passed! I would stand in the bathrooms and the toilet would start gurgling. I finally told Gary I appreciated the signs, but could he please stop with the plumbing problems!

While I liked the old rock and roll, my new choice of music has been country. The last CD in Gary’s vehicle was Rare Earth. I have it still in my player in my vehicle. More than once, without anyone touching anything, the stereo switches from the country station and Rare Earth blares through. Thanks Gary for the reminders I am not forgotten!

The first time the family were all together at my Mom’s house, a red cardinal flew to the sliding glass door and stared in at us. After the first surgery my son had to have without his Dad being there, I whispered how much I wished he could be there for us both. I looked out the window by my son’s recovery room bed, and a red cardinal was perched on a limb there. A red cardinal is supposed to represent a visit from a lost loved one. I believe that!

Now, for the title of this page, and the picture caption. On Gary’s last Christmas, he gave me a dragonfly necklace. I was always stopping to get a coke at Sonic or Kum & Go. I got out of the car and a dragonfly landed on my straw and stayed there until I opened the door to go in the house.

I have learned to look for signs everywhere now. I look in the clouds, for pennies on the ground. I see lots of robins outside my window, and I hear the birds tell me, ” You’ve got this, Babe!” I like to think Gary is still there, looking after us.

The first time I had to check that little box next to that word was like a punch in the gut! It was like someone had reached inside me and ripped out my heart. A little five letter word that turns your world upside down.

Being a widow is not a club anyone wants to join, but you need to know there are others who have traveled that road. You need someone who can tell you that although you never get over it, you can get through it.

That word. That small, but powerful word. It’s a dark word full of sad, mad, afraid, confused, lonely, depressed, and if you let it, defeated. You are sad because you lost the love of your life, your soulmate, you best friend. You are mad because he left you to figure everything out. You are afraid of what your future without him will be. You are confused when you are faced with having to be the one who does the things he always did. You are lonely when you see other couples doing the things you thought the two of you would do together. You are depressed because you don’t feel anyone understands.

I am strong, but I have been broken. I have had to learn things I never thought I would have to do. I have screamed, cried, cussed, but I survived. I have ridden the tsunami of sorrow and I survived. I didn’t give up.

The first year I spent trying to get through all the firsts: the first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Thanksgiving, and the first Christmas. I learned I wasn’t losing my mind when I couldn’t finish a sentence because I would lose my train of thought mid way through it, or couldn’t remember getting somewhere, just knew I was there. That is when I learned about widow’s fog! Yes, there really is such a thing. I think the fog somehow protects your still tender heart.

I had heard the second year is harder and I have to agree. By this time, people expect you to get over it and move on because they have. The phone calls to see if you are okay have stopped. Friends have returned to their lives while you are just trying to learn how to go from a “we” to a “me”. The brain fog has lifted and the reality of what you have lost has taken its place. You start to realize you are a widow.

Four months after my husband passed away, I had total knee replacement surgery. While recuperating from that, my youngest son passed out at work and suffered a fractured skull and concussion. I was still using a cane to get around, and trying to be at the hospital with my son. The grace of God kept me from having a nervous breakdown. It was all too much at one time, but I survived because I didn’t give up.

That word. I’ve learned to embrace it. I have chosen to look at it as a word of honor. I know, why honor? I wear it as a badge of courage. That word – WIDOW- meant someone loved me until they died! Not everyone can say that. I hear my husband saying, “you got this, Babe”!