When I walked outside a couple of mornings ago and was hit by the cold breeze, I was reminded of something my dad said once: “It’s colder than a witch’s tittie in a brass bra”. I never knew what was the difference in a witch’s tittie than any other, but it sounded funny. Then there was the one, “it’s colder than a well digger’s ass”. Not sure why their ass was any colder than anyone else.
My thoughts flowed back to other “words of wisdom” I heard growing up. We already know our grandparents (if you are a “senior citizen) were part of the greatest generation. I know they were also pretty humorous, and full of good old wisdom! That humor passed down to the next generation to my parents. Some people would say humor found its way to me. I know I have busted out with a good comeback a time or two, but the sayings of old are gold!
Remember, “If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you”? “A penny saved is a penny earned” was etched in the mind of many depression era folks. About the woman yelling at her husband, “she’s pitching a hissy fit”. Gossiping about the poor man down the road and you hear, “He doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of”. Two old ladies taking about the pretty young women new to the town might say, “Those pants were so tight I could see her religion!”.
A woman with large breasts didn’t wear a large bra, she wore a “over-the-shoulder boulder holder”. And who could forget when mom would yell, “If you don’t stop that crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”! I think I’ve used that one myself! The old guys sweating in their buttoned up long sleeve, tie included, “Sunday go to meeting clothes”, which makes them say, “I’m sweating like a whore in church”. When the sidewalk would get a glaze of ice, you might hear, “”slicker than shit”. And when the sweltering days of a southern heat wave is upon us, you would probably hear, “ hotter than blue blazes”.
When someone was suspected of telling a tall tell, your granny might say, “oh, my hind foot!” Then there’s the often used, multiple meaning, “Bless his/her heart”. I still say that! I mean, if you’re southern born and southern bred, you’ve heard that one! If you are about to do something, you are probably “fixin’ to go now”. And someone may ask you if you’re fixin’ to go to town could you pick up something for them and you might respond with “I reckon so”.
As I am struggling to find some cleaver words to tell the stories, my mind edged back to past family gatherings, and thought of this story. Hope you get a chuckle.
Supper with grandma was always a good time with a lot of loud talking.
We were all gathered around grandma and grandpa’s house waiting to eat grandma’s fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade biscuits, great northern beans and the best egg custard pie ever! Grandma sent grandpa to the store to get some napkins. He came back with SANITARY napkins! Grandma looked at him and said, “Now what the hell am I supposed to do with these?” Poor grandpa. He just saw the word napkin. This was a small country town where everyone knew everyone else. I can only imagine the talk among the men the next morning gathered around the diner for coffee.
My dad had a dry sense of humor. He wasn’t known to be much of a talker, but I do remember some of his more profound utterances. To the person just standing around doing nothing, he would say, “he’s about as worthless as a tit on a boar hog.”
On one of the many trips we took to visit our grandparents , while traveling the old familiar highway, we passed an old run down shanty with a lady sitting in the rocking chair on the rickety old porch. This lady had her dress hiked above her knee high hose, one of those paper fans in her hand, legs spread apart, fanning between her legs. My dad, who had been quiet most of the trip, said, “she must have just paid the rent and is drying the receipt”. Yes, my dad did embarrass me a time or two!
My grandmother on my dad’s side of the family was a tiny little thing. I think as she got older, she shrunk even more. But, she was a tough old lady. She was well past senior citizen status when she tarred her own roof. Her yard always won yard of the month. Her pantry was full of canned goods from her own garden. She also could be a little spitfire. It was from her I heard, “why would a man buy the cow when he could get the milk for free”, or “don’t settle for the napkin if you can be the tablecloth”. She wasn’t afraid to say “shit” when she felt the word fit.
My grandmother on my mom’s side was a short, round little woman. She and my dad’s mom were great friends. My paternal grandmother never learned to drive, but my maternal grandmother did so they would sometimes take off together to come see us. On one of those trips, my maternal grandmother (Velma), decides to pull off the side of the road. My paternal grandmother (Mamie) told her that the sign says to only pull over in case of emergency. Velma proceeds to tell her, “this is an emergency. I’m thirsty and the water is in the trunk.” I still try to envision those two little old ladies digging around in the trunk on the side of a road as if they weren’t in danger or doing anything wrong.
My dad was in the Navy when I was born. From stories my mom tells, our house was usually filled with Navy buddies. It’s no surprise my first words. While sitting around the table, me in my high chair, I push back my tray, and out of the mouth of this baby came, “Ah, that’s some good shit.”
Some of the most profound sayings from old were funny, but underneath the humor of them, was wisdom. They were gold! Hopefully this blog will help bring back some of those memories for you.
I DIDN’T GIVE UP! 