Photo by Alexander Hipp on Unsplash
I don’t remember thinking too much about whether I really believed in signs from Caterpillars, Butterflies, and Cardinals, Oh My! love ones until my husband passed away. Now, I am a believer that these signs really exist.
The first sign I had was so vivid I could swear Gary was really there. During his month long hospital stay and the fight for his life, I refused to accept he may not come home. I refused to give up on him. But, the day did come when the doctor told me his fight was over, his organs were shutting down and I needed to be prepared to let him go. I went through the motions, sitting by him, holding onto him, watching as he took his last breath. Even as I watched his heart stop, I don’t think I really grasped what had happened. My mind went into “gotta take care of things” mode. Right before his last breath, I told Gary I didn’t know what to do. I think he heard and took over. I was haunted by the fact that Gary would think I had given up on him. I had never given up on anything, but I felt I had let him down.
A few days after the funeral, I had that vivid dream. Gary was sitting in his chair at home, and I was sitting in his lap. I was telling him that I didn’t give up on him. In a voice so clear, I know he was in the room, Gary said, ” I know you didn’t give up and that is why I’m her to tell you I know and it’s okay”. To try to describe the peace I felt would be near impossible. Those were words I needed to hear!
It was a bit of time before I could bring myself to sleep in our bed. The first night I did, I heard Gary’s voice so plain I jumped up. He said, “Did you set the alarm?”.
We had a Pomeranian, Coco, for several years. She and Gary had this game where he would be sitting at the kitchen table, she would be on the sofa by me. Gary would make a face, she would do that dog head tilt, and low growl at him. After Gary passed, Coco grieved and developed separation anxiety. One night, she was sitting close to me on the sofa when she jerked her head up. She was staring at the kitchen chair that Gary sat in, did the dog head tilt and low growled. I knew she had seen Gary. Not long after, Coco and our other dog, a Corgi named Bella, passed away a week apart.
I have always loved butterflies. I had not seen one in quite awhile. Mom and I had gone to a store, and coming out, I looked down to where a butterfly had landed in my path. Another sign to me.
Gary was a plumber, so I never had to worry about plumbing issues. I have had more plumbing problems since he passed! I would stand in the bathrooms and the toilet would start gurgling. I finally told Gary I appreciated the signs, but could he please stop with the plumbing problems!
While I liked the old rock and roll, my new choice of music has been country. The last CD in Gary’s vehicle was Rare Earth. I have it still in my player in my vehicle. More than once, without anyone touching anything, the stereo switches from the country station and Rare Earth blares through. Thanks Gary for the reminders I am not forgotten!
The first time the family were all together at my Mom’s house, a red cardinal flew to the sliding glass door and stared in at us. After the first surgery my son had to have without his Dad being there, I whispered how much I wished he could be there for us both. I looked out the window by my son’s recovery room bed, and a red cardinal was perched on a limb there. A red cardinal is supposed to represent a visit from a lost loved one. I believe that!
Now, for the title of this page, and the picture caption. On Gary’s last Christmas, he gave me a dragonfly necklace. I was always stopping to get a coke at Sonic or Kum & Go. I got out of the car and a dragonfly landed on my straw and stayed there until I opened the door to go in the house.
I have learned to look for signs everywhere now. I look in the clouds, for pennies on the ground. I see lots of robins outside my window, and I hear the birds tell me, ” You’ve got this, Babe!” I like to think Gary is still there, looking after us.
I DIDN’T GIVE UP! 